


what cannot be said will be wept

by alex (inventedlove)



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:48:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29290854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inventedlove/pseuds/alex
Summary: TW // SUICIDE + SUICIDE ATTEMPT and HOMOPHOBIA . please if these are your triggers don't continue.
Relationships: Anderperry - Relationship, Charlie Dalton/Knox Overstreet, Charlie Dalton/Neil Perry, Cherry - Relationship, Knarlie - Relationship, Steven Meeks/Gerard Pitts, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry, peeks
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	what cannot be said will be wept

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Danya (@danyameg)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Danya+%28%40danyameg%29).



> Thank you for being my friend.

Every winter felt unbearably impossible to live through. Two tragedies he swore to himself that he’d never be able to forget. He regretted the both of them: he wasn’t there for his friend and second he believed it was because of him, therefore it was his fault. He was only eighteen years old when he first wanted to rewind time and relive every moment and correct the ones that he needed to correct. 

His first regret was when he didn’t phone Neil Perry’s house that night or why he hadn’t thought of talking harder to Mr. Perry when he took Neil away from them outside of the theatre. He did try though but as Mr. Perry ignored him, he found himself unable to do anything. Although he himself was the type of person who would be a rule breaker, he would often still find himself unable to disagree if the authorities —parents. He’d respected his parents very much, they were kind people but others were not and he realised that when his best friend had died that very night where he was having fun with his boyfriend. 

The next morning, he’d gotten a phone call from his mother, it was that Neil had died. The first one he went to to tell the news was his boyfriend, Knox Overstreet. Knox had been sound asleep at that time and so when he’d decided to wake Knox, Knox was greatly irritated. But when Knox did hear the terrible news of Neil, he held him close. Both of them wept and stayed in silence for some time before deciding to tell the others and saving Todd for last. Knox had told him that it would be better if he were the one to break the news to Todd and before he did, he couldn’t stop himself from crying. He took his one last breath and began waking Todd up. 

“Todd? Todd.” He cried out. 

Todd was still half asleep, “oh Charlie. What is it?” 

“Neil’s dead.” 

That was the second time but not the last time he’d said those very two words. He hated saying them but the pain reminded him that he was alive and living, maybe not well. After that of course he and the boys tried their best to be there for Todd for how they knew that Todd and Neil had a very special relationship, alike to what he and Knox had. On one of the days where Todd was grieving, Todd began talking about the time Neil had confessed his feelings to him. It was when Neil saw an advertisement of the new play that was going to happen, a Midsummer Night’s Dream. At first Todd was supportive of the idea that Neil should indeed become an actor however Neil afterwards informed Todd that he would be auditioning for Puck. To Todd who’d studied every queercoded media, he first felt confused by why Neil would play someone like Puck. Before he could even question Neil, Neil confessed to him, 

“I like you.” He nervously said. 

“I like you too.” He replied.

“No not like that Todd.” 

Every time Todd retold the story, he would often pause before continuing. He always tried to not force Todd to continue but when he did say it was okay not to continue, Todd would always reply with “no it’s okay Charlie. I can talk about him. I will at least try to.” So ever since he’d gotten that reply, he tried not to say anything to Todd and would just patiently wait. Sometimes the waiting would take up for hours. Sometimes even days. It was hard of course for Todd to talk about the beginning of what he and Neil had. Although it was short, Todd cherished each moment even writing it down on paper, writing his own mini autobiography in memory of the boy he loved the most. 

It was on Todd’s birthday when both Neil and Todd told him that they were dating. At first he couldn’t believe it, he knew that Neil was in fact Queer but Todd as well? “Todd had blended in well,” he thought to himself. The night he was told the news, he went to Knox’s room and told him that he wants to tell Neil and Todd about them. Knox at first couldn’t understand why but he thought that it would be safe as Neil and Todd were not the kind of person he was scared of coming out to (Cameron). And so they did and for the four of them, it was their little secret. In the cave, the four of them would hang out and theorise about the possibilities of Meeks and Pitts being together but Meeks of course being asexual as he’d told them before. They also thought about how Cameron could also be Queer like them or Asexual Aromantic. The four of them had so much fun. He often thought about the conversations that they had, the small moments he missed, and the feeling of happiness he felt at that time. He missed it all so much he yearned for it every single day since the day Neil passed away. He missed him so dearly he sometimes felt like he couldn’t continue anymore, but Knox was there for him in every moment he felt horrible; Knox was the shoulder he was able to cry on and he loved him for the efforts that Knox made to make him feel better even though deep down he knew Knox himself was also feeling just as horrible as he was. 

In the following winter, he and Knox had been together for two years. It was their final year at Welton and on the day that Neil died, they all spent a day together recalling each loving memory they had with Neil. His however were the time they spent at the cave but he couldn’t tell them that so he’d decided to simply tell them about the times he and Neil had a sleepover. There were various details that were excluded like the time he came out to Neil—that he’d liked him and Neil too— or like the time when Neil was crying the entire night and he felt the sound of Neil’s whimpers fill his mind. He really did love him, as a friend and also the first person he’d ever romantically liked. 

That time however was a horrible time for both him and Knox. There was a news story of homosexuals being in the state of Vermont and a lot of people were hunting them down. Of course he and Knox tried to remain safe by not spending a lot of time with each other anymore but sometimes he just couldn’t resist just going in Knox’s arms. This situation remained for a few weeks and when they finally thought they were safe Knox had died suddenly. On the last day of December, the same month his best friend had died now his lover too, Knox Overstreet was found dead on the side of the road caused by internal bleeding. 

Numbness filled his body, he wasn’t able to cope well. Sometimes he would even deny that Knox wasn’t dead but in fact vacationing in some place Knox failed to mention to him. But no, each time, his friends would remind him of how Knox was indeed dead. Killed. Murdered. He began to shun away everyone in his life, he returned back home where he thought he would be safe from the eyes of everyone, especially his friends. He felt like he knew what was better for him and this, this was what he thought. Todd tried to contact him multiple times even going through such long lengths of going to his house but every time, he shunned him away like he did with everyone else. He couldn’t get over the fact that Knox was dead. “Knox was dead. Knox was dead. I killed him yes I killed him,” he repeated in his mind multiple times each day. 

The Overstreet family was an influential family, coming from old money, and the murder of their son was something they would never forget so they tried their best in finding out who’d done this to his Knox. A few hours before Knox had been found dead, he was seen in the Mall with a group of people. That group of people were interrogated but there was not enough information to arrest them for the murder of Knox Overstreet. Even if the Overstreet family itself were rich and powerful. Knox was called a homosexual and the police thought that was a good enough reason why his death was not something to care about. “How horrible of them,” he thought to himself. He was unable to forgive anyone especially himself for what Knox had become. Six feet under. That was what Knox had become. No longer within his arms but around dirt. Knox would soon deteriorate and become just bones with clothes. One day Knox would look almost unrecognisable and if he were to dig Knox up, he would no longer see the face he so loved to look at each time. Only his memories and the pictures he had of Knox that would survive. 

In the third winter he again had to live through, he wrote everything about his life. Said goodbyes to his friends, giving them hugs and smiling with them for the last time. He clarified to himself that winter was the most horrible season to ever exist. And so following the pattern he saw, he took his own life the same way Neil had. Before he’d done it, he thought of every reason why he shouldn’t but he knew to himself that those reasons for himself weren’t enough. None of them were.

Todd, Meeks, Pitts, and Cameron were now down to four. With three of their friends dead they kept close contact of each other and were able to live on. It took them a while to forget what had happened but they were able to move on. Of course each year they spent a day together, they’d chosen the 20th. They’d promised to each other that no matter what, they must come otherwise it would all be useless and they all did. Todd came out to Cameron on the tenth time they got together and Cameron was supportive of him. Meeks and Pitts too on the eleventh time. They all tried to remember the lives of the friends they cared about so much. They all loved them.

**Author's Note:**

> twitter is @inventedlove


End file.
